Fat is a four letter word

I’ve been debating on whether or not I was going to write about this, as I have far more pressing matters at hand, and many more important things I should be thinking about.  That being said, I can’t get past this.

The other day I was called fat.  Granted, it isn’t the first time, and it probably won’t be the last. (I’m very, very well aware of the fact that I am overweight.)  What bothered me the most was that the conversation I was having had absolutely NOTHING to do with weight or health, that it was completely unrelated to what was being discussed (think apples and zebras), and it was made by a person that I respect.

Now, as an adult, I know people say shit they shouldn’t without thinking (I do it all the time) and everything and I should just move on.  Yet, I’m left thinking that if this person perceives me as fat (in the part of my world where I generally don’t think about running or lifting or weight) then I am fairly sure that is how the rest of the world (mostly in real life) sees me.  As a fat woman.  Not as an aunt or a sister or a Ph.D student or a teacher or a friend.  A fat person.

And I’m filled with shame and self-loathing (well more than usual).

As if I didn’t feel uncomfortable enough going out to eat or grabbing a coffee, or just existing in the world, I now feel shame and regret and fear.  Just when I was starting to feel a little bit better about myself.  Just as I was starting to think I could take pride in my accomplishments,  I now feel that I can’t.  That I’m not good enough or smart enough because I quite obviously haven’t bothered to care enough about myself to end up looking like I do.

I know it was just one comment and that there are plenty of people out there who are kind and nice and treat me like a human being, but as I analyse everything like I live in a fishbowl, I’m sure this will stick with me for a while.

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9 Responses to Fat is a four letter word

  1. Abradypus says:

    *sends hugs and admiration of the effort that you have put in to achieve all that you have*
    Abradypus recently posted…Don’t they all blur into one? My journey to the Cowell Club (part 3)My Profile

  2. Abradypus says:

    *prepares voodoo doll of thoughtless bod and reaches for stash of pins*
    Abradypus recently posted…Don’t they all blur into one? My journey to the Cowell Club (part 3)My Profile

  3. mercyjm says:

    You have been brave enough to type what goes on in many people’s heads, so thank you for that. To go for a weird and perhaps not helpful comparison, when I was in the early years of secondary school (about 11yrs) the other kids used to tell me I smelt. Whether I did or not I have no idea. But from then on I have been really very oversensitive just in case it should ever happen again.
    To put it more bluntly, being over-honest or teasing with people in a way that you are aware will make them uncomfortable or unhappy is bullying (or it is in my opinion, you are more expert here!).
    You are a clever, good, beautiful and worthwhile person. I will kick in the shins anyone who says you are not.
    mercyjm recently posted…Thinking of WordPress.com for Your Business?My Profile

  4. sjskill says:

    I guess people think of me as fat, too but at 62 and able to work and live the way I want I want to get over it. Why haven’t I got over it? It hurts to not be what you want to be. This from a woman who just rode an exercise bike this morning for an hour. My head is spinning and my thoughts bouncing around from this. Hmmm. Enjoy Sharefest and enjoy yourself as you are.
    sjskill recently posted…Pre-retirementMy Profile

  5. misssrobin says:

    Beautifully said. I gotta admit, I like the idea of a voodoo doll. Just for fun, of course. And for mental health.

    I like that our society is focusing on health and taking care of our bodies and facing what has become an epidemic of obesity. I hate that so few people have any idea how to change anything. Everyone wants to focus on everyone else because it’s easier. It’s easier to look at someone and judge them unhealthy than to worry about our own health. It’s so much more comfortable to say everyone should be the same that to be inclusive of and loving and respectful toward everyone.

    I’m sorry someone was unkind to you. I hope you can let it go and realize it was much more a statement about who they are than about who you are (which is a thousand times easier to say than to do). I’m so grateful for this post. It is important.

    Happy Sharefest. Have a lovely weekend. Try to ignore stupid people.
    misssrobin recently posted…Surrounded by RattlesnakesMy Profile

    • Cindy says:

      Thank you. I think the entire thing was just a big ball of difficult because of who the person was who said it….

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