I’ve been debating posting this since yesterday. I’d say it is because I am unsure as to how I feel about it, but that would be a lie. I feel relieved.
I have been in therapy before, and knew I needed to go back after all of the emotional up and downs of the past 2 years. The thing was, I wasn’t getting anything out of it. I was leaving her office feeling worse about myself. I know I have the tendency to take things a bit personally and sometimes even take them out of context, but she made me feel like what I had been doing for years was the complete wrong thing, and since it was all I knew, it made me feel like crap. I’d leave her office feeling sad and even more like a complete failure.
All I wanted was to talk about the issues I was having after my mum passing away and dealing with that while trying to deal with being back in Scotland and dealing with the stress around being a PhD student. I had mentioned my anxiety and she pounced on that, and the majority of the visits were centered around me dealing with the anxiety. Which made me more anxious and stressed about dealing with it and making sure I would still be getting the appropriate medical treatment for it as well. She pushed CBT on to me as a technique, and it really didn’t resonate with me. I will be honest, right now I do know I need to work on stressors and handling anxiety. But I need to be ready to do it and in a position to feel safe in doing it. And I am really, really not comfortable with feeling like I need to give up medication to do all of this. So…. none of this really happened, and I just didn’t feel like I was “getting better.”
I explained all of this to her about a month ago, and I was given 2 weeks to think about what I wanted to do. So I thought about it until the last possible minute and then made an appointment. I had about a month, give or take in between appointments.
And do you know what? I was thinking the other day; I was thinking that I feel “ok.” Not great, not perfect, not ready to try dating (although by now I really should get back on that horse, seriously, but that’s another story) but ok enough to get through the days and workout at the gym and shop, and run errands, and do my work. I don’t feel perfect every day. There are some days where it’s hard to get out of bed and do the things I need to do. A lot of this has to do with the headaches as well, which I have an appointment with a pain management doctor next month for.
So yesterday I told her that I wanted to stop seeing her for the time being. I didn’t want this kind of treatment. What I really wanted was talk therapy/grief counseling/just someone to talk to. I didn’t want to spend all this time on something I was not ready for, not to mention the fact over the next 2 months I have an absolute ton of things to do, and if I were to go down the CBT road, I want to be at a point in my life where I can do what I need to do for it, and right now I need to really focus on my research and getting it done.
I can self refer back if I need to. She gave me resources if I need them. And right now, at this moment, I think I might be “ok.” And that has to be good enough for right now. And I think it is.